Picking Up

I seem to have been through a funk. I don't really know what went on or if it is even over. For days on end I would get up and feel tired. No energy full stop. No mental energy, no thoughts forming, no desire to do anything, eat or move. No physical energy either, just lethargy in huge amounts. My brain compensated by searching around the various rooms for places where my body could lay down and my body would beg my brain to shut down. So it was very tricky getting around, performing simple tasks such as getting dressed, going to work or cooking a meal. I would fall asleep anywhere I sat and at anytime. You must think I could have perhaps just go along with it and just rest...after all my body asked me for it, but I could not really find a reason for it. Yes I get up early, yes I work hard, yes I am stressed...but isn't everyone? I am not the type of person who can just do nothing, or who can comfortably nap for an hour or two. I just hate feeling this way. I consider the typical excuses: the weather, not enough sleep, low iron, stress, too busy and all of the above. Still the way I felt...not normal. It wasn't just tired, it was beyond that. I just wanted to shut down.

Pushed by my husband last Monday afternoon, I decided that I had to try something and stop sulking. So I listened to him and jump on my bike, went to the park across the road and rode. Every muscle pleaded for me to stop. I couldn't complete a whole turn on the pedals...it was horror...but then something happened...I felt the breeze in my face. It felt so nice...I saw my surroundings like it was the first time in years and I felt nostalgia.

Before I started working at Before School Care I used to get up at 6 and go to this park for 1 hour walk every day. I remember I felt much more alive and vibrant and energetic and it just made me despise how I am feeling now. I came home still feeling like shit, tired and all, but knowing that change needs to happen. Not sure how I am going to accomplish the hard work ahead, but I will endeavour to try helping myself. Making some small adjustments first......